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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Chasers (NFI#1) Excerpt

While in the throes of writer's block in other projects, I decided to give the first part of Chasers a try. This definitely isn't the entire first chapter, but it's the first whole section. Feedback is appreciated, as always.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


She awoke with asphalt grating her back. No warm light touched her face, and a look straight ahead to the sky confirmed the sun wasn’t out. Nor were any clouds, nor were stars. Only a vast black canvas hung above her.
Something seemed off about that.
With an exhale, she pushed herself up to a seated position. She could see well enough despite the lack of celestial bodies. Tall streetlights, which contributed no more to the lighting than the absent sun, stood on either side of a pristine street, painted lanes glowing brightly over the black asphalt. No sputtering of engines filled the air, but she felt it was a good idea to get to the sidewalk.
Managing to stand easily enough, she hurried onto the concrete and rubbed her arms. While the atmosphere wasn’t as cold as it appeared to be, her short sleeves still left her with a bit of chill.
“Oi!”
Nearly stumbling into a mailbox, she clenched her fists and glanced about her. She didn’t feel any keys or mace in her pocket, but she was sturdy enough to feel that feet and elbows would be adequate.
Finally she saw the man strolling towards her. Leaning back a bit, he smiled loosely, the tails of his fine suit flapping quietly behind him. He was well-dressed from top hat to gleaming shoe, but his windblown hair and stubbly beard ruined any impression of utter spotlessness. He raised his thick eyebrows at her grimace and wisely chose to stop while yet some distance from her.
“I don’t believe I’ve seen you before,” he started with a brogue that matched his flame of hair.
She crossed her arms, no tension slipping from her frame. “Good for you.”
He chortled. “Got another nice one, looks like.” He held out a hand to shake before seeming to realize she was standing too far away to reach him. Instead he tipped his hat. “My name is Clyde. Pleased to meet you.”
Though she wasn’t planning to respond with her name, she found she couldn’t if she tried. Clyde must have seen the flicker of shock on her face, because he smiled a bit wider and said:
“Don’t have a name of your own, do you, lass?”
“I’m sure I do.” She kept her voice cold. “I just don’t seem to remember at the moment.”
“So I see.” He pulled out a pocket watch without looking at it too closely. “I don’t suppose you remember anything else about yourself?”
She took a deep breath. “What business is it of yours?”
“You’d be surprised.” Still smiling, he slipped the watch back into his pocket. “In fact, I know just how to get your memories back. If you don’t trust me, you don’t have to follow me, but the others will be gravely disappointed.”
With that, he turned on his heel and began to amble back where he had come. She watched, a tremble creeping into her shoulders. He could be trying to lead her into any number of traps. She had no phone in her pocket to dial for help, if there was help to dial. No lights shone in the windows of any bland-faced buildings, and a car had yet to putter past. She still had no idea where she was, and that also boded ill for however she could get help. No signs marked restaurants, hospitals, or general stores. The only thing yet of any comprehensibility was now striding away from her.  
Cursing under her breath, she walked after him, keeping her footsteps light in the hope he wouldn’t notice. She swore again when he glanced over his shoulder with a grin.
“Decided to come after all, then, lass?”
“Don’t call me ‘lass’,” she muttered.
Clyde turned back around, picking up his pace. “Then what shall I call you?”
“I already told you I don’t know my name.” Hunching over a bit, she jogged to catch up.
He moved to the side to give her room. “You might as well make one.”
“Why?” She exhaled noisily, watching the concrete tiles pass underfoot. “Does no one else know what my name is?”
He shrugged. “There are only four of us here, so I’d very much doubt it.”
Her pace lulled before she hurried up. “Four of what? Your gang?”
“Oh, no.” His shoulders bobbed with another chuckle. “Four people. Two of them being you and I.”
She walked without reply, observing the empty buildings and roads. They didn’t look much different from any others she had passed.
He watched her head swivel before starting, “The place goes on forever. Loops round on itself.” After a while of receiving no response, he grinned. “Have you already given up on understanding?”
She didn’t turn to look at him. “Just lead me to someone else.”
He laughed grandly. “Will do, lass. Will do.”

6 comments:

  1. I had to go back and look at the summary for this story, because I couldn't remember which one it was, but I was really excited to see it because that was one of the ideas I liked the best. I thought it was pretty good; you created a definite feeling of suspense and the world is pretty creepy, especially how it loops round on itself. I can't remember if you're planning to get any of these published, but I do think there should be a bit more of an introduction before she meets Clyde, though, if it's going to be a real book. Like, maybe have a little excerpt from her life before that, or if that's supposed to be a mystery to the readers, have her wandering around some more/calling for help?

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    1. Hey, that's why the link is there. It was the first idea I posted, after all.

      Will do. It would probably be a better idea if we stayed away from her past life until she earns it back, so wandering about should do. How much do you think I could add before it would start to drag? How much about her should I have introduced by this point?

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    2. Yeah, I thought after I posted that something about her past life would be probably be revealed later.

      Well, I think that all depends on whether or not you're going to try to get this publishsed digitally or on paper. On paper, it should have more than it should digitally. I don't know why, but it just feels like that. I was looking at the Anonymous comment below, and I think everything they said is very valid. Like, maybe have half or three quarters of a page or so on Microsoft Word before she meets Clyde.

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    3. That's an interesting thought about the paper v. digital. I think it's safe to say unless I get very lucky that everything's going to be digital.

      All right, thanks!

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  2. The story seems on its way to me, and Clyde's characterization with things like 'you can flollow, if you want, or not' gives you a strong first impression. What I think you really need more of is world immersion. It was good to reinforce the world's emptiness by having her note that she hadn't seen any cars yet. You tell about the street, sidewalk and sky right off the bat, but didn't mention buildings and windows before the talk with Clyde. Now if you wanted to add more sense of being lost in a strange world, perhaps she could wander over to the sidewalk, look in a window to try to get a reflection, or see if there are stores or police stations or something. Knock on the doors (If there are any). Note the lack of chewing gum on everything. Little things like that would give a great touch.

    Mim

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    1. Great ideas! I hadn't thought about the windows—that'll be a perfect way to get some description when the POV is limited.

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